Bible college taught me how to exegete Scripture, but church conflict was the boot camp that taught me how to walk with the Lord. This is how I have described a key takeaway from my first excruciating church conflict. It was so painful that I told my wife, “It feels like I’m being put through a meat grinder.” I also told her that there wasn’t much that could be more painful than your own sheep—the ones you sacrifice to feed and care for—biting you! Situations like this are so emotionally and physically draining that we must address the question, how does one care for one’s own soul during times of conflict?
I found that times of prayer help sustain me even during the most soul-stretching and exhausting times. The Lord can use prayer to strengthen us and help us learn intimacy in our walks with Him. Let’s explore the dangers of not dealing with the pressures of conflict properly and the great blessing of pursuing the Lord through prayer.
The Danger of Not Caring for Your Soul
It is a dangerous temptation to be independent and figure things out on your own. It can also be tempting to sulk or grow bitter, withdrawing from the Lord. It takes discipline not to do this.
It is also dangerous to move toward sinful coping mechanisms to deal with stress because humans tend to want to escape. During times of intense stress, it is a temptation to turn toward ways to deal with the pain through sinful pleasure seeking. Things like pornography or alcohol can seem like water for the soul but, as many have pointed out, are actually mud puddles. John Piper says, “Sin is what we do when we are not satisfied in God.” One of the things you see godly people doing in Scripture during times of people pressure is moving toward the Lord, not away. We move toward the Lord through prayer. He says He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him (Hebrews 11:6). Prayer, not fleshly pleasure-seeking, is the God-ordained way to find relief.
Time in Prayer
What I am about to tell you could sound hyper-spiritual, but instead, please read the story as desperation. I had very few people to turn to horizontally, so I was forced to my knees to go vertical. I was so distressed that I spent large amounts of time on my knees, so much so that callouses developed.
My wife was wonderfully faithful and always provided a listening ear, but she couldn’t be my ROCK (Psalm 18:2). As a fellow human, God did not design her to be that, and she had her own struggles. She certainly was a source of stability, but she could not be all I needed for my soul.
The LORD wants to be our ROCK and is more than capable. But how do you tap into this incredible resource? It’s on your knees, “pouring out your heart before Him” (Psalm 62:8).
I was drawn to David’s prayers of desperation. David wrote about half the psalms, and I thought it would be fascinating to look at the context of each to determine what was causing the pressure in his life. A typical Davidic psalm goes something like this: “God, if you don’t rescue me, I’m going to die.” What was it typically that David was crying out to be rescued from? It was people! David was in relational conflict regularly. I counted how many of his psalms dealt with people problems, and it was two-thirds!
How did David deal with his intense people problems? One of the ways was through intense prayer. Chapter 62 is a good example. The setting is appropriate—betrayal. I’ve been betrayed, have you? Maybe the occasion was his son Absalom’s attempted coup. Whatever it was, it was painful (see verses 3-4). He clearly states that he desires the Lord to be his refuge, but what does this mean practically? I, too, want the Lord to be my refuge during my times of conflict, but how do I do it?
Because of Hebrew parallelism, we can understand the answer to this crucial question. One type of parallelism is where scripture states a truth in one line, but then the next line restates the same truth with different words. That is what is happening here. The third line of verse 8 states that God is a refuge. But then the second line says, “pour out your heart before Him.” In other words, when you pour out your heart to the Lord, you make Him your refuge. So do it: pour your heart out before Him. Your Lord wants to have this type of relationship with you.
What Does Prayer Do?
Prayer is refreshing because we are designed to be in a relationship with God. We are made to be dependent. Prayer expresses our dependence on the Lord, who then strengthens us. It might be that learning this blessing is one of the reasons our Lord allows conflict in our lives.
Prayer also helps us express our pain to God. This is similar to saying He made us to be dependent but has a slightly different nuance. God did not make us to bottle up all that emotion. Bottling up emotion could indicate that we are stoically trying to deal with the problem on our own. This is not our design. It is obvious from the psalms that our design is to express emotion to the Lord through prayer.
Practical Ideas
Lament
A common theme in a Davidic prayer is that David “cried out” before the Lord. If David, as a mighty warrior, cried out before God, it’s okay for you to do too. If Jesus cried out, you should as well. Church conflict helped me to learn to express my emotions rather than stifle them. I have found it helpful to pray through a psalm of lament like chapter 42 and use it as a model for my own prayer. I insert my own wording following the themes of the verses.
Journaling Prayers
Another helpful tool for prayer has been journaling. It helps me to express my thoughts by writing out prayers.
Prayer With Other Pastors
Over the years, one of the great blessings of life has been spending time in prayer with other pastors. During my intense church conflict, there was one fellow pastor I spent time with every Tuesday morning. He knew about the situation and, as a pastor, could understand the pressure. That was part of God’s sustaining grace in my life.
Prayer With Your Wife
Please don’t allow the pressures of ministry to drive a wedge between you and your spouse. You need to cry out together. This will help you spend time together and hear what is going on in your spouse’s heart.
There are many ideas for having a healthy prayer life, so these are just to get you started.
Conclusion
What have we seen so far in our journey of dealing with conflict as pastors? First, believe that your Lord is up to something good. He is writing a story with your life. We have added to that the need for caring for your soul as you go through this unique type of affliction. It is too dangerous not to, and the best way is to learn to pour your heart out to the Lord in prayer.
© 2024 Ernie Baker. Used with permission. Originally published at TheFocusedPaster.org.
Ernie Baker
Ernie (D.Min., Westminster Theological Seminary) serves First Baptist Church as the Interim Senior Adult Pastor.
He has been in ministry for over 40 years as a pastor in Virginia and as a professor at The Master’s University (Santa Clarita, CA) where he continues to serve as the chair of the online biblical counselling program. He is a fellow with the Association of Certified Biblical Counsellors and a certified conciliator with The Institute for Christian Conciliation.