Helping a spouse become more financially responsible

Question:

How can I encourage my wife to be more thoughtful about money? Our family has really struggled recently. I was laid off from my job two years ago and have finally found full-time employment. My wife worked a couple of part-time jobs, but we still have a lot of bills to pay. And no matter what our income situation has been, she’s always spent money we don’t have. She’ll buy herself and our kids top-of-the-line clothes, even if it means we won’t be able to make ends meet. I’ve tried to discuss this with her many times, but it doesn’t seem to matter.

Answer:

No doubt about it – you’re up against a tough challenge, especially if your wife has become set in her ways.

It’s hard for us to advise you without knowing more about the situation and each of your personalities. And while Scripture gives us many biblical principles related to finances worth following, there’s no specific absolute in a case like this.

It’s obvious that the circumstances you’ve described are creating a lot more stress for you than for her, but that could be because husbands and wives often experience tension in different ways, especially where finances are concerned. This is actually pretty common in marriage. You’ve heard it said that opposites attract! What really matters is figuring out how you and your wife can get on the same page.

The key to a healthy marriage is good communication

You say you’ve tried to discuss your concerns with your wife “many times” – and that’s a good thing. But since you feel these conversations haven’t given the result you wanted, it might be good to look at your approach.

Have you been able to set aside a time to talk things through calmly and rationally, or have you tried to talk when emotions are high? Have you inadvertently used words that call into question her intelligence or integrity, or made her feel like you’re trying to control her behaviour?

Don’t wait until a crisis before talking about finances

Pick a time when life is going smoothly. Take your wife out for coffee or a meal. Do everything you can to put her at ease. Begin by saying something affirming. “I’m thankful that you want to take such good care of our kids when it comes to providing for their needs.”

After making it clear that you’re on her side, express your concerns as honestly and straightforwardly as you can. Use “I” language wherever possible. Rather than blaming, you might say something like, “I’m feeling worried about our financial situation. I wonder if we can discuss our current circumstances and come up with some workable solutions together to help us handle our money.”

Keep the discussion rational instead of emotional

Try to move it in the direction of seeking balance. Make suggestions like, “If we can’t compromise on the quality of the clothing we buy, maybe we can cut back in another area. For example, we might save money by not eating out as much or substituting grocery items with home brand products”

Talk about creating a spending plan that helps you both keep a lid on expenses. Moving forward, affirm any positive steps you see your wife making in the right direction. Don’t expect her to change all her spending habits overnight.

Take a look at the resources and referrals below for more suggestions. And if you need to discuss your concerns at greater length, find a counsellor in your area.