“It is not good for man to be alone” (Gen 2:18). This pronouncement came from God at the very beginning of human history. However, there is a tendency among many pastors to place themselves in virtual solitary confinement where they have no genuine friendships in their local churches. This happens for many reasons, but it is never good for them, their families, or the people in their local churches. I want to share some reasons you might be tempted not to have friends in your local church and offer some arguments to counter them. This article will look at the challenge of assumptions and expectations people have and how that can drive pastors away from true friendship.
Assumptions
“So that’s what pastors wear when they aren’t at church.” These words came at me as I exited my car after returning home from the gym. I looked at my neighbour and responded, “I think this is what most people wear when they go to the gym.” My neighbour was not a Christian; in fact, her husband was one of the few people who had ever told me “No” when I asked if I could pray for his upcoming medical treatment. However, their lack of involvement with the church did not mean they had no conception of what was “normal” for people in ministry. That encounter is just one of many that highlighted for me the fact that people often carry preconceived notions of pastors and their families. Assumptions and expectations are two broad categories that those notions usually fall into.
Granted, pastors are not the only people who encounter the expectations and assumptions of others. Almost everyone experiences this to some degree at some point in life. But when you have a “front-facing” role, the number of people watching your life tends to be above average for the broader population.
Assumptions hit pastors almost immediately when they first arrive at a new church. People often assume you will be just like the previous pastor or at least very similar. Those assumptions can span a broad scope of life, including wardrobe choices, doctrinal positions, preaching style, family worship habits, etc. They might formulate assumptions about you based on their experience, your educational background, how you comb your hair, whether or not you have tattoos, or from stalking you on social media. Wherever they come from, the assumptions flavour how people view and interact with you. When you detect the assumptions, it can make you feel awkward and unknown. People aren’t interacting with the real you but some assumed version of you. This is one factor that can drive you away from true fellowship.
Expectations
The expectations people have of you as their pastor is another factor that may tempt you to isolate yourself from true friendship. Some people in the church have unusual, unrealistic, and often unspoken expectations of pastors. Sometimes, people know they have these expectations, but the ones that usually cause the most damage are the ones people don’t even realise they have. Some unrealistic expectations arise while candidating at a new church. The classic example is that a married pastor is a two-for-one hire. His wife will obviously play the piano, run the women’s ministry, the children’s ministry, or all three. Another expectation might be that the pastor presides over every meeting of every group at the church. These may deter a pastor from accepting a position or be addressed before he accepts. But the more hazardous, unknown expectations often don’t come to light until they have been violated.
Receiving adverse reactions from people when you’ve violated their expectations can cause all kinds of wrong thinking to run through your head. It could invoke paralysing fear that prevents you from moving forward in ministry. It might tempt you to alter the way you do life and ministry to live for people’s approval. Or it may go the other direction and tempt you to disregard people in anger. Regardless of the particular reaction it invokes in you, your heart’s general inclination is to move away from genuine, true friendship.
The Holy Man Complex
One specific form people’s assumptions and expectations take is what has been called the “Holy Man Complex.” Some people look at pastors as though they live on another plane of spiritual existence. They believe pastors have a closer connection to God and are somehow more pure than the average person.
The “Holy Man Complex” manifests in beliefs that the pastor’s presence at an event makes it more special, always wanting the pastor to pray at things because of that extra direct connection to God, or believing that if the pastor does something, it must be okay or the right thing to do. When people live under the influence of this perspective, every personal decision you and your family make justifies everyone else doing it. Your choices guide what movies and shows people watch or don’t watch. The way you or your family members dress influences what people let their kids wear. Whether or not you let your kids have a phone or social media determines what is in-bounds and out of bounds-for the youth at your church.
If you like people having this kind of influence over people, that is a problem and one for a different blog. I believe most pastors find this reality disconcerting, which is one more reason they move away from genuine relationships.
Point Everyone to Jesus, Not to Yourself
The Apostle Paul encouraged Christians in Corinth to “Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ” (1 Cor 11:1). He did not say, “Imitate me,” or “Do as I do.” His instruction to people necessitated that they know Jesus first and foremost. They must understand who Jesus is to know how Paul’s life imitated the life of his Saviour. Don’t let the people in your church be lazy by merely following your example. Highlight areas in your life that are not exemplary and that people should not imitate, then demonstrate how Jesus gives a better example. When someone says, “Oh, I’m glad to know you do ____________ now I know it’s okay for me,” stop them and point out that you are not the ultimate example and what is right for you and your family may not be the best for everyone. Offer them biblical counsel that applies to their needs, and teach them to go to God’s Word themselves to gain wisdom and insight.
Find Friends Who See You as a Person, not just a Pastor
I know the feeling of being watched or constantly needing to be “on.” It is not a good feeling, and it is exhausting. While we don’t want to live for the approval of man, we can’t deny the realities I mentioned above. So what are pastors to do? There is far more to say on the topic than can fit into a single article. But one thing you need to do is find people who understand that you are human. These people know your identity is not “Pastor.” You need friends who know and love you for who you are. You need friends who love and accept you with all your quirks, interests, foibles, and failings.
Conclusion
People will always have ideas about you, whether grounded in reality or not. What goes on in their minds is not your primary concern and should not dictate how you live. Walk faithfully, seeking to please the Lord. Part of that faithful walk means having good friends who walk the faithful path with you. Don’t allow people’s assumptions and expectations to keep you from having true friends in your local church.
Questions for Reflection:
- Have you been burned by the assumptions and expectations of people in ministry? If so, how did it make you feel? How did you respond?
- Are you often concerned about what others think about you? Do you find yourself interacting with people in a guarded fashion? How might you cast those cares on Christ and live freely from what others think of you?
- Who do you have in your life that you feel free to be yourself with?
© 2024 Curtis Solomon. Used with permission. Originally published at Church.FocusOnTheFamily.com.
Curtis Solomon
Curtis Solomon, PhD, is the executive director of the Biblical Counseling Coalition and co-founder of Solomon SoulCare. Dr. Solomon is a veteran of the United States Air Force and specialises in counselilng and training counsellors to address PTSD with biblical truth. He is the author of Redeem: Hope for Husbands Who Have Hurt Through Pornography.