No one would enter a relationship with a problem person if they knew the true costs of playing the role of codependent. But sometimes we develop rose-colored glasses syndrome: We become enamoured with the strengths of a person. Although we have some awareness of their weaknesses, we choose to downplay those flaws.

Series:

  1. Codependency: What is it?
  2. The Dance That Takes Two: How Codependency Develops
  3. The Personal Costs of Codependency
  4. Codependency: The Importance of Personal Boundaries
  5. Overcoming Codependency
  6. Codependency in a Dysfunctional Marriage: Healing and Hope

Brianna’s doctor had known her since she was a child. He could tell she was under a lot of stress, and he was worried about signs of abuse. He looked at her kindly and got right to the point: “You’ve lost 5 kilograms since I last saw you, and you’re awfully young to have high blood pressure and chest pains. And you said you got that bruise on your face by falling and hitting the couch. But it’s safe to be honest with me. Is your husband abusing you?”

No one would enter a relationship with a problem person if they knew the true costs of playing the role of codependent. But sometimes we develop rose-coloured glasses syndrome: We become enamoured with the strengths of a person. Although we have some awareness of their weaknesses, we choose to downplay those flaws.

Maybe the other person was a lot of fun to begin with, but down the road it became obvious that they’re foolish. Or maybe they appeared to be a strong leader, but they became controlling and abusive. What if their happy-go-lucky spontaneity turns out to be unpredictability caused by mental illness or addiction?

The True Costs of Codependency

If you feel stuck in a relationship with a problem person, you’ve faced significant heartache — and you might feel like you’ve lost more than you ever thought possible:

  • Sanity — The vicious relational cycle can make you feel like you’re going crazy.
  • Worth — Feelings of worth take a beating when you’re not respected and you can’t seem to earn someone else’s love by helping them.
  • Identity — You struggle to know your purpose and who you are if all you’ve ever done is please, serve, and rescue others.
  • Choice — You feel like you have to choose whether to stay with the problem person or get a divorce, but either decision brings further hurt.
  • Emotional health — You feel hurt, fearful, confused, angry, guilty, ashamed, lonely, unworthy, unloved, and insecure.
  • Confidence in your own judgment — You think, “I can’t believe I married him. And now I’ve stayed with him for so long, I don’t know what else to do.”
  • Relationships — You’ve given so much time and effort to the problem person that your children have been affected, and you’ve neglected intimacy with God.
  • Physical health — Extreme levels of ongoing stress affect our minds and bodies.
  • Self-respect and the respect of others who matter to you.
  • Hopes and dreams for the future.

A loss of even one of these important aspects of our humanity would be difficult to deal with. Chances are good, though, that you feel the effects in most of the areas. But your situation is far from hopeless.

Change Is Possible

The first step toward healing is to be honest with yourself about the cost of codependency. Find someone trustworthy to help you grieve your losses. Not sure where to turn? The Christian Counsellors Association of Australia can give you a list of qualified therapists practicing in your area so you can have ongoing support.

The next step is to start caring for yourself. Loving yourself isn’t selfish; it’s a God-given commandment (see Mark 12:28-31). No matter how long you’ve been in the harmful role of codependent, you can build a new life by understanding one thing: the importance of personal boundaries.

Next in series: 4. Codependency: The Importance of Personal Boundaries

© 2019 Russ Rainey. All rights reserved. Used with permission. Originally published at focusonthefamily.com.

Dr. Russ Rainey

Dr. Russ Rainey practiced as a Licensed Professional Christian Counsellor for over 30 years. He has served five churches as Director of Counseling, Support, and Recovery, and he has taught graduate courses in Christian Counselling at Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary in Fort Worth, Texas, and at Dallas Baptist University in Dallas, Texas. He served as Regional Outpatient Director for Rapha (a Christian Psychiatric Hospital Corporation), and was the Vice President of Coaching Services at Matthew 28 Global Ministries.

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