“What should I do, Caroline? We have a new family coming to our church, and the couple has so many counselling needs that our own family is affected.”
My friend is a pastor’s wife facing a common problem that burdens those in ministry. She wants to serve but wonders how much time to invest in needy visitors. She sees the emotional and spiritual drain on her husband and the toll it takes on her family.
Another friend spends Sunday working in the nursery, greeting visitors, and hosting a group for Sunday dinner. Sunday is a workday that leaves her physically drained and lacking energy for the week ahead. A different friend is a wife who takes on extra responsibilities at church while also doing her best to run a household with several busy children. She might become tempted to criticise others who aren’t as committed as she is. What advice will help the ministry wife handle her stressful life?
These stresses fit into a few different categories. In the first scenario, my friend is torn between wanting to serve others and protecting the needs of her family. The next woman feels stretched and overworked. The third woman sees the needs in the church but doesn’t see anyone stepping into these jobs, which could tempt her to bitterness. The Bible has answers for these women to help them handle the stress that builds up in a ministry family. Let’s look at each woman and find ways to help.
External Demands on a Pastor’s Family
First, stress can arise from the demands of others on the pastor and his family. When my friend and I talked about the people who feel like a drain on her family, we found a principle from Scripture. In Exodus 18, we read about the overwhelming demands put on Moses by the children of Israel who were seeking wisdom. They needed a wise judge to help them with their conflicts. Jethro, Moses’s father-in-law, spoke up. He said, “What you are doing is not good. You and the people with you will certainly wear yourselves out, for the thing is too heavy for you. You are not able to do it alone” (Exodus 18:17-18). His advice was to distribute the load among “able men from all the people, men who fear God” (Exodus 18:21). These wise men would take the easier cases, and Moses would handle the harder cases.
In our present context, wise men and women in the church should share the load with the preaching pastor. Another principle relates to the pastor’s calling to care for the sheep committed to the local church. Hebrews 13:17 teaches that our church leaders will give an account for the souls over whom they keep watch. The elders do not carry the same responsibility for visitors.
God Planned a Day of Rest
The second woman needs to plan a day of rest. From creation, God has built rest into our weekly work. God instituted a day of rest and used Himself as a model. “Six days you shall labour, and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the LORD your God…for in six days the LORD made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested on the seventh day” (Exodus 20:9-11).
The pastor and his family probably find Sunday the busiest day of the week! For those who minister, search for a different day during the week to rest. My husband would take off Monday, which became a special time for our family in the early years of homeschooling our young children. I encourage my fatigued readers to plan for at least a half day away from their workload. You can even dedicate Sunday afternoon to napping! Plan ahead to make it happen. Proverbs 21:5a says, “The plans of the diligent lead surely to abundance.”
Delegating Tasks to Alleviate Pastoral Stress
The overworked pastor’s wife will be blessed when she delegates her tasks to others. Paul compares the church to a body in 1 Corinthians chapter 12. Each member has an important role to play. We need one another to function as God intended. Paul explains, “God arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose. If all were a single member, where would the body be? (1 Corinthians 12:18-19).
Paul’s illustration could apply in this way: the pastor and his wife are just two members of the church, performing their roles for the sake of the body. Other gifts are also needed for the benefit of the body. The visionary leader may feel the need to not only make plans but to implement the plans personally. This mindset minimises the contributions of others and can lead to drained and exhausted leaders. The pastor’s wife might give so much to her church and her children that she has only a shred of energy left for her husband.
The solution is to discover the gifts of others in the church. Use that knowledge to train and encourage others to contribute their giftedness to the body of Christ. The pastor’s wife may need to pray for the grace to allow others to serve in their way, even though she might take a different approach. The goal is “that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another” (1 Corinthians 12:25).
A Parting Blessing
May the Lord bless my readers who serve the Lord in their church. If you are stressed from overwork, find others with whom you can share your responsibilities. If you are stressed from the lack of a rest day, find a creative way to build a day (or at least a half day) into your schedule for a break from your work. If you are stressed from doing all the jobs at church, may you find the grace and patience to bring others alongside who can also use their giftedness to serve the entire body with whom you worship.
© 2024 Caroline Newheiser. Used with permission. Originally published at TheFocusedPastor.org.
Caroline Newheiser
Caroline Newheiser is the Assistant Coordinator of Women’s Counselling at Reformed Theological Seminary-Charlotte, USA. She has been a pastor’s wife for over 40 years.